3rd day of school. Like any other...

HR. Math. English. Recess. Chem. English. Assembly.

(Slept during Math, English and Chem Damn it.)

Today was a usual 7:25am day. Damn it. Woke up and rushed to school. I realized thats my every morning routine. I forever have to rush. Never once can I wake up slowly and brush my teeth slowly and all. Always have to rush. Lessons was as usual. I couldn't stand Chan Poh Loong. He teach Math slow until like tortoise. So, I fell asleep. Cannot be bothered. He teaching a ultra simple topic also so slow. Zzz. Woke up for English but fell asleep halfway cause it was really VERY BORING. Tell me, which idiot would teach us word forms?? Who cares if a word is a noun, verb, adj or adv? Seriously. We learnt that in primary school and I doubt O levels will ask us whats a noun, verb, adj or adv luh. Aw well.

Recess, bought fugi apple and went back to class to stone, didn't sleep though. Brought my jacket everywhere I went. Heh. Chem was boring cause I didn't know what she was talking about. Have to go back to school on youth day holiday for Chem lesson with Lia and Jianhong bro. (Y) Thank you Mdm Locckkkkk. Gopal got issues. She always want us analyze comprehension passage for stupid things like, and, then, however, also, as, because, since. Ugh ttm. Oh, assembly was really damn damn stuffy. My legs were cramping and I couldn't move at all cause Khae was beside me. Zzzzz. I swear he damn sticky! HAHAHA. I owe him cookies. Damnn. The assembly was on a talk regarding speak good english. Zzzzzzz. Some England dude came to conduct the talk.

Went to sign in for DC for absence from JEPGS then looked for Cecilia to play the piano. Was supposed to meet Xuwei to do oral portal, but I didn't. (damn it, I have to do it NOW.) I skipped Math remedial since everyone else skipped it and since he probably was gonna do dumb stuff. Like teach REALLYYY slowly. :/ Aw well. Listened to sad songs with Cecilia. Tears flowed down like razorblades. Damn it.

Headed to Macs. Took 61 headed to wanting's house. Talked on the phone with a friend awhile then took 852 and headed home. Texted Xinyi too.

School is a bore.

RACHAEL CHUA CHUA CHUA YING XIN.

Rachael, hey bitch. I know I'm supposed to write what I like about you on your fb wall but I really can't write. Like there's no box for me to write. FML. Even fb got something against me. HAHA. Okay, I shall post it here cause afterall, there's enough stalkers here to read and see how much I love her. Heh. Okay. So, I like you cause, I've known you since sec1. You were always that quiet girl sitting at one corner or at the back. And I was always that rowdy attention seeking bitch that I was. HEH. I swear, I read my sec 1 & 2 blog, I really thought I was damn fucked up. Aw well. Didn't get to know you well until sec 2. We became like really close? Remember how I always asked you to follow me find elephant? That was damn childish. But you were always like anything, (: Remember how we saw belle and jess having recess alone and we decided to join them. And all of a sudden, we became really very very close. I remember how I told you everything and how you told me everything and stuff. And we'd talk like nobody's business. Aw well. After that SARS period, we drifted apart. I went astray from that clique and you slowly did too. Well... THENNNN, for some reason we started talking again. I told you about ted and his big brother. And we went out together and had funnnnn. I swear, when the 4 of us were together, it was really fun. AND I rmb how we wanted to disturb ted's big brother whilst waiting for the transport to warren. And we even had a plan. Like you go left, I go right. And boomxzxsxz. Hahahha! That was crazy. I remember the first time we had macs together with them. AWKWARD TTM. But who cares. We kept talking about kfc and macs. HEH. SORRY FOR reminding you of these stuff. But aw well. I guess I was a bitch for telling you about the thing. You know, that thing that made you cry heaps and heaps. And then your sister blamed me for making you sad. Ouchhhhh. Kay, I'm sorry loads. It just slipped off my mouth. Fucked up luh. I still like you. And I like your hair and your crazy camwhore craze. You changed a lot since sec 2. HAHAHA. Really a lot. Don't know how to say. But, I still love you. (: I rmb when we went to your house. SARS. The 4 of us. That was awesome. I rmb how we played on the jumping thingy. And I rmb how I went to find you 1st thing after the last MYE paper. I looked for ted. But yeah. Bad results. I turned to cecilia. But she had her own troubles. So nevermind. Then I turned to you. And damn it. I cried like ugh. And you wiped my tears away. I like you for that. I like you because you make me smile and laugh even when I'm on the verge of tears. During MT lessons, I forever feel like shit. And somehow, w/o you realizing, you make me happpyyyyy. Aw well. I like you cause you're there for me, even if I've never been there for you. I like you cause you always suddenly appear in my life when I need someone. Yay. I like that I've known you for so long. And I like how we used to quarrel but you didn't hold grudges. I rmb that time you mentioned S E A N T A N to me. And I got damn fucked up. And I just scolded you for that. I was fucked. And then you like, didn't hold a grudge against me for that. I like that about you. You can very easy angry, but after awhile jiu alright alr. HAHA. I like how you like to act cute when playing doodle jump. I like how you always compete with me. Like, YAY, SEE MY HIGHSCORE. And I'll be like. hahahaha, I higher! And you'll be like, zzzzzzzzzzz. I like how you can think of such smart ideas like hiding your phone between there and pretending you were playing with your tie instead. HAHA. QUITE SMART HOR. I like how you always scold me stupid and CMI for incentive. HAHAHA. I REALLY CMI OKAY. I know. Thanks. I like how you always say you very smart, blahblah. I like how you show off your Math results. Like OMGGG. I heard you say your math results like a million times.

Okay, damn it. This is the longest I've typed for a "I like you because....." post. And I swear, my fingers are numb! ♥

Spam pictures over the days. Mixiu.

(rmb these grey jeggings?)

(sky blue, my earsticks & our contacts.)

I feel like I've been left out from all the fun.

facebook group :   i may pretend i m ignoring u but inside i m dying to be with u :(

Don't know whether to say it tore my heart apart or it fixed back a piece. You won't understand. Damn it. I cannot write on rachael chua's facebook. I am sad ttm. Really ultra miss talking to her about stuffs. Heh. Talked with her a bit during MT lesson. Then I was down during the rest of the lesson. I swear xuwei is a fucked up barking dog. Oh damn it. I hear LJJ singing the "oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah" for YOG now. Zzzz. So noisy.

So I was earlier than usual for school today.

CR. Phys. Math. English. Recess. Chinese. Recess. Chem.

(I completed CR! And, I only slept during 1st recess and Chem! Congratulate me.)

Heh, I'm trying to get used to the new time table. I don't really like changes. I prefer things to remain as they were before the June holidays. Those usual routines. Like whilst I'm having PE, he's having Math next door and stuff. Aw well. Gotta get used to seeing him less often. Gotta delete him. Gotta focus on studies. Talking about studies, I have to complete a compo before Gopal realizes I didn't do it. And, damn, there's English tml.

Aw well. Did DC for absence from JEPGS during the June holidays. Was doing A Math work. And, I only completed 2 questions during the span of an hour. I was damn irritated with my correction fluid cause it took forever to dry. So I borrowed Thaila's and accidentally spoilt it. Sorry! Heh. Aw well. Careless mistake like ughhh. Saw Emilia whilst I was serving my DC. She was tired. Aw well. Hehh. Did DC with Daren Long, Thaila, guy from 5N1 and girl from 5N1. Not bad, they're entertaining. (Y)

So, lets just say today was a good day for me. I went down to lot1 to meet up with Cecilia and 2 juniors. They left when I arrived. Had "lunch" at the staircase that we used to hang out at with Corine and Yanting. Goooood times! Headed to her house area's coffee shop to "study". Ended up having a heart to heart talk. Spoke to her about many stuff. Ranging from Ted to many other stuff. I haven't talked with her like that for so long. Finally could find time to spend together. Used to hang out with her almost every other day. We ate rojak! (Y) Then I headed home by 852. As usual. Hoping for one glimpse. Its okay. O levels in 100 and something days time. I can  do itttttt. (:

now my mother came and piss me off when I'm doing my EL work. wtf.

I hate my father. I never hated someone so much.

1st day of semester two. Damn it.

I love you.

(sky blue)

I have a pile of undone work just begging me to do them. Damn it. I have to complete English. I think my Chem teacher gave up on me. Damn it. I am so dead. I don't feel in the school mood. I feel horrible the whole day. I stayed up texting a friend cause he couldn't fall asleep. Then end up I only caught 30 minutes of sleep. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I woke up with fucking messy hair. And it took me forever to prepare for school even though I packed my bag before hand. By the time I rushed out of the house, I missed the bus, therefore missing the train. Had to wait 5 damn minutes for the next train. Then I calculated, on;y 4 minutes for me to dash to school. In the end, I was still late. Damn it. Saw Kevin Hoo. He was late too. On the first day of school. Heh, quite smart.

Routine.

Late for school. Math. Chem. Phys. Recess. English. Chinese. Assembly.

(Yay, cause no detention. and LOL at the chinese opera assembly.)

Came out of toilet before Chinese lesson, guess who I saw? Damn it, Wanting, this is the exact same scenario as yours luh. Sucks ttm. Not even a hi, or a smile. Or at least something? He was saying bye to someone else. *bangs head on wall* I swear I didn't sleep much during lessons. I almost fell asleep during Phys but teacher made me give out worksheets. ^@%#. And then I texted wanting during recess and missed 11:11. Thanks bitch. Then I went to sleep for that short 35 minutes. And I woke up for English and resumed my sleep during Chinese. I swear Xuwei is a fucked up biased bitch. Got so much to complain about her. And another bitch. (Hor, wanting.) I realize I always complain to that bitch about other bitches.

I don't want this sleep early wake up early rush to school sleep in school study have lunch go play go home use computer sleep early wake up early rush to school sleep in school study have lunch go play go home use computer routine. Damn it. No life ttm. But what can I say? Its our O levels year. Wanted to meet Emilia but she always mia. (insert angriest face)

Spent the afternoon with Cecilia and juniors. Was called up after the afternoon assembly. Have to stay back everyday after school outside general office cause I missed JEPGS during the holidays. I was sick, damn it. Saw you again. Like the hundredth time. Can you just disappear for 4 months first? The pain is killing me. Its like I want you here. Yet if you're gonna be here for nothing, its gonna hurt harder. Dinner with the girls at Macs. I swear, everything everywhere reminded me of him. I tried not to remember ofc. But they just keep flooding back.

THERE IS NO MORE FRIGGIN
RED SHAKER FRIES. FML.

Took 852 home. Fell straight to sleep as soon as went past the 3rd stop. I was praying and hoping for another coincident. Didn't happen. Aw well. I NEED to catch 11:11 tonight.

fuck.

I turn on the comp to check timetable then my fucked up father jitao come scold me. knn. -'- then say I so fucking last minute. Then he some more say what. I cmf sleep in class. Fuck you to hell manxzxsxz. Knnbccbpcb. I already plan to study this semester. And all you do is put me down. Seriously, you're the worst man I've ever came across. All you do is hurt me, tear me apart. You're an example of all other men - JERK.

I missed 11:11 again. Damn it.

What I accomplished in this 1 month holiday.

1. Didn't complete school assignments.
2. Started A Math tuition.
3. Completed A Math homework.
4. Cut my fringe to bangs. ):
5. Met cousin.
6. Spent most of the time with Zhijun.
7. Tumblr.
8. Facebook.
9. Blogger.
10. Shopping.
11. RCIY for 1 week.
12. Met Shawn Neo.
13. Met Kelvin Tan.
14. Met Gabriel Chua.
15. Met Gabriel How.
16. Changed my 11:11 wish.
17. I love you.
18. even if the sky is falling down.

Damn it. There's school tomorrow and June isn't even over. ):

Good news, I can get to see you, honey. Okay, gonna start on holiday assignments now.

My first kiss went a lil like this.

getting used to my bangs? nah. -'-

How I wish I was as close to her as Wanting and Zhixiang are. I think its cool to be close to cousins. But all my cousins are like so far apart. We come together during chinese new year only I guess? So yeah. I met up with Jocelyn Loh Mei Qi. LOL at her chinese name. She dislikes it. Heh. Met up at yishun with Gabriel How and headed to chambers. Not bad not bad. Played L4D with Joy whilst Gabriel played dota with his friends. Went to smoke and headed back to North Point. Alright, so I was asking her about the middle-child syndrome thing. Apparently Gabriel How agrees there's such a thing since he's a middle child. And Joy agrees too cause her sister is middle child. So yeah. Seriously, adults should just have sex twice. Why have that accidental sex and that accidental kid. -.-

L4D was not bad. Didn't play L4D2 cause initially wanted to play with Gabriel but his comp didn't have L4D2. End up he went dota. Nevermind. So yeah. We played 1 match of campaign and a few versus matches. Played until I'm damn damn giddy. Cousin got giddy too. Runs in the family eh? Aw well. Paid up for the lan thing and had a bit of food at North Point basement. Then we all headed home.

Otw home, I called Zhijun, and Weijie picked up the phone instead. -.- Seriously, I thought I could recognize Zhijun's voice eh. But I didn't realize it wasn't him. I still went and ask him, you at 289 ah? What time you going home? All those nonsense. Heh. Nice one! I even asked him what they doing, blahblah. Then Weijie suddenly say "Eh, I'm not Zhijun. I'm his 2nd brother, you know Zhiwei?" LOL. I jitao stun. Weijie is so childish. Thanks.

Removed my private blog.

I missed 11:11 by 1 minute.

And I transfered all those posts here. It just got damn irritating to have to blog in two blogs. Ugh, I cannot stand my emotions these days. Even the slightest thing affects me. The slightest insult, the slightest mistake. Even an unreplied text affects my mood. I feel so dead and every time I think of everything, I just feel so empty. Empty inside outside leftside right. I can't think straight. I feel like smoking, and yet I don't want to. Whew, smoked yesterday. Felt a bit better. Then I felt dead again. Temporary feeling I guess. Had a fab dinner with mum earlier. 1st time in ages that I had a proper sit-down dinner with her. Too bad dad wasn't there. Heh.

Ugh, O levels is just round the corner.

And all that is ever in my mind now is.

Y - O - U

over and over again.

(sky blue)

It doesn't make sense to let go of something you had for so long.

But it also doesn't make sense to hold on when there's actually nothing left.

I'm fine don't worry.

Dying on the inside, smiling on the outside.

Sometimes I feel invulnerable to my emotions,

most of the time, they take control.

Because you live, there's a reason why....

I carry on when I lost the fight.

Sometimes I get so lonely that I sing and talk to myself.

我假装过去不重要 却发现自己办不到.

To my everything : Will you come back? Cause since you left, I feel like I have nothing.

My heart is hurting. It sinks, drowns and spins in circles, not knowing where to go. I never loved someone so much. I never needed someone so much. And as I read those things, my head spins. I don't know what to do. I don't know. I really don't know. I wish someone would tell me, but no. I guess I'm sitting infront of this screen, hoping one day, he'll reinvite me into his blog. Hoping one day, he'll unblock and readd me on facebook. Hoping one day, just one fine day, he'll realize, how much he loves me. I just wish.

I lie to myself that you mean nothing to me. I go to your house and pretend I'm looking for Zhijun when my main reason of going there is to catch a glimpse of you. I tell myself, there's no point to look for you, yet I still go there. Trying to catch your attention. Hoping you'll walk over and say "Hi honey, I love you." I always imagined myself sitting at your block. And I'd imagine you walking over to me and hugging me infront of all your friends. I always wished.

11:11 wish. Do you think it'll come true? That after O levels, we'd still be possible? I'm waiting.

Number one is studies.

I found a new motivation to work hard for the coming month.

Maybe if I work hard for O levels, their views of me would change?

We've only got 3-4 more months to O levels. Damn it.

I was typing something really long just now.

Then I realized it was too saddening. So I backspaced.

Goodbye, my love.

Hey girl.

You know nothing about love. Thanks for letting me have a good laugh at you.

Today. (or should I say ytd since its after 12am alr?)
Woke up at 10am > School for cca farewell >  Meet thinesh awhile >  Meet Zhijun opp sch >  Tuition with wanting >  Meet Zhijun @289

Busy day okay. I felt like I went all over Singapore. Damn it, I like to over exaggerate manxzxs. But I'm really damn tired. Thanks a lot huh. Wanted to skip tuition since I didn't bring my worksheet also. But wanting insisted that I go. Look, she's so step good girl. Fuckkkkk. Zhijun, good game. (yknow.......... heh!) Headed home quite early. Bought 2 apple pies from macs and talked on the phone with Zhijun. Damn it, I spend too much time talking to him uh. Should call Zhixiang instead right? Aw well. (: Tuition sucked. We had a fucked test. And I confirm guarantee plus chop that I'm gonna fail. Cause I lost damn a lot of marks on questions that I didn't know how to do. A Math really cmi. Wanting was worse off. (:

AND FUCK IT.

I AM SINGLE.

I AM NOT ATTACHED.

KNNBCCBPCB.

I HAVE BEEN SINGLE SINCE THEN.

AND I AM STILL SINGLE.

STOP ASKING ME.
cause it tears me apart.

damn those hokkien vulgarities.

So maybe I can pretend to be happy?

I guess its better to keep things under wraps. So many people don't know whats happening, I rather leave it that way. So many complicated things happened. One lie led to another lie and so on so forth. I gotta stop the lies, next time she asks, I'll just go, uhm, yeah, uhhuh. Damn it. And well, a few days back had a heart to heart talk with Amos, he told me a lot of stuff about myself that I never known. I guess he's right. I'm gonna take his advice.

Now, number 1 is studies. I'm gonna study hard.

I was on the phone with zhijun for awhile just now, kept making fun of zhijie and ted. Its nice to have a friend who's his brother. Anyway, I like their family, I like that they have 2 other siblings to entertain each other. Whereas, every morning I wake up, I'm home alone. When I get home, everyone's asleep. Honestly, I don't like being an only child. It hurts too much. And my parents are never there, they never care. Wish I was as lucky as them. Their family is fab. They have wanting. And all the other fab cousins. Their parents are damn fun and they can depend on each other. Aw well.

I tried I tried, and I tried again and again and over again.
Its time I stopped trying, I'm tired. I'll leave these stuffs aside first.
I'll conc on studies, just like what he told me to do.
My 11:11 wish has changed, to something more practical, but, it still involves you.
in 5 more months, on the last O level paper........ I wish, I wish, I wish. ♥

Hope cecilia's spam calling tml can wake me up.

Cca farewell party tml.

I have to get up at 10, I wonder if I can wake up or not. Damn it, I damn lazy to go but I alr told the people that I'm going. Aw well. After that meet friends and slack awhile then still got tuition. Omggg, I confirm tired until die sia. ): Plus, I got no mood to sleep now. Dammmnnn itttt!! Was on msn with Matthew for awhile. Tried to cheer him up, to no avail. Heh. ):

Gonna go sleep soon!

Dead zombie life when you're not here.

I swear. I am damn lifeless. I have to wake amos up to entertain me. I just cooked my own lunch. My god, sucked. Its like eggeggegg and more egg. ): I want my money. My mother haven't transfered cash to my bank account. -.-

___ keep asking me to smoke with him. Like seriously tempting me ttm. I want to smoke. But I know zx wouldn't really be happy when he sees me smoking. Ahhhh. ): Tml I going find friend, then he help me buy. Heh, I don't want ownself buy. (: Marlboro iceblast. Hmmm, I really dk whether I should smoke or not. It's been 3 months since I last smoked. But damn tempted luh. See how, tml. (:

Have tuition later on at khatib, phys tuition. Yay. -.- I really dislike that tuition uh. Damn bloody boring. Cause don't have wanting. Heh. And cause I can't copy anyone's work cause idk anyone there. Aw well. Friday got tuition with wanting again. A Math. Supposed to be next tuesday but teacher cmi.

Its just you and me, oh, and my homework. -.-

I am 3/4 through my A Math tuition homework. I just drank hollicks. Yay. Haven't drank that since forever. Well, my parents are damn blind. They can see the computer is on, but can't seem to realize I have work on the table and I'm actually doing it. I mean, seriously, I'm studying. ): Effort has gone unappreciated. Aw well. 6 points for O levels. I can do it. Hahahaha. I hope. I remember in p6, I aimed for 260+ in the end I got a pathetic 214 and got into a lousy school. Ugh ttm. Hope I can at least get into a good jc, doesn't matter if it isn't acjc. Now, I'm stuck at a logarithms question. Awesome.

Today, I missed you so much.
Today, I tried not to be sad, I tried not to mention your name nor think too much about you.
I guess I sort of succeeded.
Just one text from you can make me smile.

I lost track of time.
My body's clock has gone insane.
Just like how I have gone insane.
The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that you care.
You do right?

The Back-up Plan, Date Night.

Just watched these two movies online. Damn fabbbbb.

I think The Back-up Plan was better than Date Night though.

I was doing my A Math tuition homework whilst watching the movies. (Y)

I miss you, I want you to miss me.

When you look back at the times we had, don't you feel anything? When you look at the things left over from our past, don't you think of me? When you see me, can't you feel how much I miss you? Why?

Watching the back-up plan now.
I miss everything about you, honey.

Drift away.

Phew, I just woke up. Thanks to the super awesome rainy weather. Actually I set my alarm for 12plus. Was supposed to meet a primary school friend. But I flew him aeroplane. (: I damn lazy drag myself out of bed. The alarm rang 10 times, I just press it away. People message me, got the baby ringtone, I just press away also. Hahahaha. Its time I start to study. I have the motivation (somewhat), but idk where to start. Should start with tuition homework. Damn a lot of work to do. Have tuition tml and friday. ): I feel like a cooped up bird.

I will be back 5 months later for you. I love you. I won't hurt anymore.
Love is a happy thing, tears and sadness should not be involved.
Thanks for finally telling me what to do. Thanks for telling me where to channel my time. ♥

A few quick pictures.

This bike hurt my ass. ): I play until kept screaming. Hahahaha.

I think this picture, if you just look at the face, look a bit like zx hor, wanting.

Okay whilst I was waiting at 288's red round table, there was this freaky stalker okay. He stood at the letterbox there and stare at me. Damn scary. I walk where, then he follow sia. ): I pretended to walk back to 289 and before he noticed, I faster go back 288. Heng ah!

Tell him goodbye. And tell him I love him.